Lamb Goes In Town!!

Available now for the first time in five years.

Written in the enigmatic syntax of Portland, Oregon’s eccentric kebab smuggler, Alparslan “The Turk” Yılmaz, “Lamb Goes In Town!!” is the delightfully twisted tale of a happy little lamb’s journey and shocking transformation in a strange new world. Lightly edited by Yılmaz’s first cook and co-pirate John J. Goddard, this brisk, mind bending odyssey shapeshifts between adorable, hilarious, thought provoking and vulgar, often on the same page. Yılmaz’s dubious command of the English language and its vernacular lends a likable voice to a lighthearted narrative.

This download contains the epub format of the book for maximum responsiveness across browsers and devices.


I met Alparslan Yılmaz in the spring of 2011. I’d just moved back to Portland from Chicago, and I was looking for a cooking gig. My response to his cryptic Internet post for a cook landed me an interview, and my life hasn’t been the same since.

    I became the right hand man for Alparslan – better known in Portland as “The Turk” – in a bootleg Turkish kebab delivery operation known as Secret Kebab. There was no storefront, no fixed location, and sometimes no kitchen. We were pirates in a landscape littered with high concept restaurants and food carts. We did delivery-only to small sections of the city, completely on our own terms. It was a strange and wonderful gig that was more fun than lucrative, and Alparslan is now a valued friend.

    The people of Portland loved Alparslan’s fresh, handmade food (it’s pretty damn good for street food), and they love Alparslan even more. His only means of advertisement is a Twitter account (@secretkebab) and a half-assed website that occasionally disappears. It’s the Twitter feed that started drawing attention from outside Portland. Alparslan’s unbridled, never ending enthusiasm is infectious, and people from around the world began following the feed to read his messages. Uplifting, absurd, obscene, occasionally touching and always in poorly spelled broken English, The Turk’s online presence seems to do more than inspire people to buy his kebabs.

    At the end of the summer of 2011, Alparslan told me he was going back to Turkey, and that there would be no more kebabs in Portland until at least the following spring. Having learned that I write, he asked me if I would help him with a book project. I said yes, that I could come on as editor, but that it would be best to let his voice shine through in the way people know and love it. The result is this book. I have edited very lightly, correcting spelling and a little grammar. You may find it challenging to read at first, but the story does shine through in Alparslan’s eccentric usage and unique patois quite unexpectedly and endearingly. I hope you enjoy this mind-bending little tale.

PS – I am The Turk.

Dalmatino – 16×20″ Print for Sale

Dalmatino – Gradac, Croatia – ©2006, John J. Goddard

16×20″ Unframed Poster Print – $50.00, tax and shipping included.

I took this photo on an overcast day in Gradac, Croatia, during a long drive up and down the Dalmatian Coast in the spring of 2006. It was a quietly busy time, when all the family-owned coastal resorts were gearing up for the mad rush of the summer tourist season. This handsome hound wasn’t working at all, though, preferring to enjoy afternoon fjaka on a bed of fishing nets and palm fronds, with the waves singing softly to him.

A friend of my girlfriend’s noticed our framed print of this photo in a social media post, and expressed interest in owning one herself. Well, I can do that for her, and for you. And until I get my photo print gallery set up, this is where I’ll offer it for sale. The 16×20″ unframed poster print will be shipped to you immediately (expect it in 5-7 days), so long as you’re in the US. International customers will need to wait until I get my photo gallery launched.

Thank you so much for your interest in my photography. I look forward to making more available in the near future. Perhaps you’d like to stay informed of my developments and sign up for my no-more-than-weekly newsletter.

Eezy Skeezy (Instrumental)

Imagine waking up to this as your alarm tone, then having an awful day. You can’t do it, can you? This funky little number jolted the nation into an upright position a couple of weeks ago when I used it in a cooking video. Download the MP3 here, keep it in your phone or car, and feel the power of making people smile and dance wherever you go.

Uncle Daddy’s Ditty

Start your day the John J. Goddard way! This merry melody employs a “showboat orchestra” for an upbeat feel, even at its mid-tempo pace. For me, it calls to mind a dandy Southern gentleman jauntily strolling down the lane without a care in the world… sort of a “song of the South”. It’s ideal for an alarm or ringtone (I use it for both), or for a burst of horseplay in the parlor with all your little pals when you put it on repeat play.